“It is always worth it” 

I have recently been on a weight loss journey which to me seems to be an extremely difficult road.  Self control when it comes to food is as tough to moderate as anything I have had to control before.  Food is my addiction but, with the help of Weight Watchers I am managing. to rid myself of the impulsive eating and regaining a hold on my health.  I have lost 40 pounds and am working out for no less than 45 minutes for four or more  days a week.  At times, I say to myself, “This is too hard” , “I feel Cheated” or “is it all worth it?”

WAKE UP CALL!
What a pathetic whiner!  Yes it is difficult because I have been spoiling, coddling, indulging myself and nurturing my Psyche with food for the last 10 years.  All thinks Sweet, Creamy and filled with Fat.  I have moaned when I had to walk up a flight of stairs.  Now I can run a treadmill at my homes 10,000 foot elevation for an hour and barely break a sweat.  Yes, It did not kill me. It made me stronger. but,  I do believe we are only tempered by the degree of the trials that are put in front of us. 

“This is too hard”

This is a phrase that I never heard from my sister when she was fighting Breast Cancer.  She accepted that the stage 4 non hormonal cancer might not be curable.  The Doctors insisted she was in denial but she told me that if she fought as hard as it was possible and lost the fight she could go in peace knowing it was her time to join our Grandmother.  She also believed that her fight might inspire her family to do the same if they ever got sick.  The last year of her life was a lesson in strength.  There is truth in the phrase” God only gives you that which you can handle”  When it was her time to go she called me and  as easily as saying “want to have a cup of coffee?” she told me she was checking into the hospice and that I would not be speaking to her again as she was going to die.  I hardly believed her but she was clear and firm in her tone so there was no argument.  Her last request was directed at me when she asked me “Do not come to my service if I die.  I am asking you as earnestly as I can right now.  I need you to promise me you will not make the (4 hours at that time) trip.  I saw you a few weeks ago and you and I said our goodbyes.  Please remember me that way”  I was pregnant and had a history of miscarriages and know that she was only concerned about my health.    She had informed her husband before going into the hospice that I was losing my baby and that she would be there to meet her in heaven.   I miscarried my baby the next morning 1 hour before DeNece died.  She walked out of this world on her terms.

“I feel Cheated”

I want Ice Cream or that Rib Eye steak.  I cannot have it I used to get a bit depressed.  Until I spoke with a very dear friends son who is an ex soldier and vet.

I have a friend whose son completed 4 tours in Afghanistan and Iraq.  During that time he saw his entire platoon blown up by a land mine only to return to duty a few months later with only minor injuries.  He was then caught in fire and brought out of danger, a wounded friend.   When he was finally released, I saw him a month later.  I was greeted with a smile and a huge hug.  I asked him how he could be doing so well with what he had been though.  He stated “I have lost those I served with and I have seen some of the ugliest in mankind.  My heart is a mansion and this is only one room.  The door will remain open  so I can look upon it from time to time and realize how blessed I truly am.  I have a beautiful life, I am healthy and surrounded by light and love and my life has unlimited possibilities.  I can now see clearly that I am capable of doing anything I ever want to.  I refuse to lock myself in that room with the horror and become  a part of it.  It served it’s purpose and I am stronger and blessed because of this chapter that is a part of who I am but will not define me.”  

“Is it all worth it?”

My Grandfather once told me there are many things I would have liked to do different if I could go back in time but as that is not possible.  My one piece of advice would be to remember  It is always worth it. 

My friend just underwent her 3^rd and 4^th Neck surgery.  She will be much healthier when she is healed.  I think she would say it is worth it. 

Our family friend Adrianne is fighting Stage 4 Cancer that has spread to her iver.  She keeps fighting for her life and her children.  They are worth her effort.  It is worth it.


My heart has been broken by the death of a man I deeply loved, I have had two failed pregnancies, one with a set of twins that the eggs were donated by my sister and one from a pregnancy immediately after my first pregnancy misscarried (Lost the same day as my Sister).  These losses tore at my heart as did the two failed attempts at Invito-Fertilization and a year of work on adoption paperwork.  I have learned from the love and these losses.  But I now have a beautiful child, thanks to the kindness and extreme generosity of his birth Mother being willing to carry this child for me.  With the renewed strength of my soul, I am re-gaining my health, youth and spiritual connection.  Joy is flooding back into my life and I can only thnk the process of life for tempering me.   It is always worth it.

When You Wish Upon A Star

Cinderella's Castle

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, anything your heart desires will come to you” Words & Music by Ned Washington & Vincent Rose

This is my life’s core belief.  If I wish (pray, envision, request of the universe, or ask for) up on a Star (Point in my life or focus of thought or thing) then anything (absolutely anything! I truly want) will come to me.
 
 I was 5 years old and it was the spring of 1967. One of my earliest vivid memories is my grandfather holding my hand as we waited in line to ride the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride at Disneyland.  He bent down and whispered in my ear “Did you know that this is my first time on this ride and I am so blessed that you chose me to share it with you?”  I did not know what to expect about the ride but at that moment, the scary skull and crossbones and skeletons I had seen or hear of seemed a bit frightening, however, I would have overcome any fear in order to not disappoint him.   I then clearly remember looking at our hands.  Mine so small in his large warm hands and thinking, no promising myself, that when my hand was as big as his I would chose someone special to go on this ride with again. 

I felt honored and oh so loved at that moment. This was also my first Disney experience which has become my greatest sources of joy other than my child in my adult life.  I have a few later memories of early mornings in Las Vegas, Nevada, where my Mother or grandfather would wake us in the early dark hours of the morning, picking me up or waking me and my two sisters and brother, putting us in the car with pillows and blankets for us to arrive at Disneyland in California unannounced for when it opened in the morning.   I am not sure who exactly these trips were for because I remember my Grandparents especially my Grampa having as much fun as I did every time he went with us.  We had gone on many rides but there were a few that were always consistent every time we would go.  The first ride was always the “Pirates of the Caribbean” and follows not to far behind was “It’s a Small World” and always after lunch we would visit the Carousel of Progress (This was not there until my second visit I believe)

Two years ago, my Grandfather passed away.  My heart is still so full of the joy he created in my heart and life with on that morning when I was 5 that I cannot visit Disneyland or Disney World without hearing his voice and felling the joy all over again as though I were still that small child.  Before my Grandfather passed, he and I had gone to breakfast and he sat across from me and told me that when he died he did not want his money to all go to Visa or MasterCard.  He always said he paid them their share of his money.  He said he would love it if the family would use their inheritance on what he loved most his family.

On September 18^th 2009, me and my son and my best friend and husband,  my Mom and Dad, Sisters and their husbands, One sisters children, Cousin from Australia and her two girls and my Aunt and Uncle also from Australia took an extended Disney Vacation together.  Several months prior, As soon as I received my inheritance check, I informed my family of my intent to celebrate my Grandfathers and my memories by taking a Disney vacation, which would include 3 nights at the Polynesian Resort in Florida, followed by a 7 night Double Castaway Cay dip cruise on the DISNEY MAGIC then to be finished up with 2 nights at the Animal Kingdom Lodge.  When I told them of my talk with my Grandfather and his wishes, several family members decided to join me for this very special vacation. 

Magical was the only way to express this vacation.  The first order of Magic was to get my cousin and her two girls and my Aunt and Uncle over to join us.  Disney assisted and on the night we arrived at the Polynesian, My Aunt, Uncle, cousin and the girls from Australia were all standing near the Check-in desk.  My Dad who had not seen his family from Australia in over 15 years and this was my magical surprise to him.  My Dad who was reluctant to go on this trip (My dad was remembered as saying “I do not want to spend 14 days eating Hot Dogs and listening to screaming kids”) now has informed me after 5 other cruise line cruises has declared no more unless it is Disney.

I have taken my son of age 5 a few times to Disney World now and although he is too young to remember most events or sights.  There are a few he does remember.  He knows what the Dumbo Ride looks like, He LOVES MICKEY MOUSE! (My sons name is Mick)He calls Cinderella’s Castle , Disney World.  When he is watching a movie and they show the Castle, he yells “Mommy, Disney World come and see.  It is Disney World.”  Because of my grandfather my heart leaps with joy at hearing those words.  I try to make our visits magical and Disney is always up for improving on the perfect vacation plans.  Special upgrades and gifts and magical service all are a part of the reason we keep going back.  In fact we have 2 Disney Cruises planned for 2012.  And I am wishing upon a star for a family vacation on Disney Cruise lines in 2013. 

A special thanks to my Grampa.  You were my very dear friend, my example of who and what I want to be.  My roots begin with you and are strong enough to support my son.  I will promise you I will always put family first and with you in my heart my family will always have a piece of the Joy you blessed me with.

  

Thank you for the lessons!

I would like to thank a few of the men that have passed through my life when I needed them.

Thank you Father – My earliest years were filled with dishes flying yelling and screaming, You took us from our Mother, you worked in different countries from where we lived, you cheated with other women and treated my older sister with what I felt and remember was annoyance and distain. I learned from you that being a Dad is more that genetics and that you have to be involved to be a good parent. I have also learned that forgiveness is healing and that integrity is critical and relevant to marriage and that you loved me regardless of any of the aforementioned behaviors.

Thank you Dad - You married my Mother whith 4 children. You love her and are friends.  You have taught me what loyalty, commitment and friendship add to a marriage.  You have given me a strong work ethic and a firm foundation to grow from.  I love you!

Thank you Dwayne – You chased me home with a stick from elementary school, yelling and ridiculing me. You broke my glasses and called me ugly and four eyes. It broke my heart but because of you I am a better Mother. I know that names can hurt and words inflict pain and that sometimes those words are more painful than the stick. I am a kinder gentler person because of you.

Thank you Gus – You rode in the back of the bus until I would sit down and then you would move to sit down behind me. You would slap me in the head and speak crudely to me. You would stick gum on my seat, pull my hair, make fun of my clothes and spit on me. I had nightmares at night for a year of going to and from school because of you. It wounded my young spirit but I learned from you to go within when I could not stand what was outside of myself. I learned that I never saw myself as you did that you were wrong. I learned the next year when you had to go to military school that Karma can take care of at least some of life’s injustices. I also learned that it is not ok to sit and watch this happen to others. Injustices must be called to attention and the strong or masses must take care of the wronged and the few.

Thank you Gordon – The only man to ever take me to a formal dance. After being stood up 3 times by other boys, Gordon, sick as a dog, took me to a girls reverse dance because he did not want to be the 4th. He was a dear friend with a kind and compassionate soul. Gordon taught me that friendship is a gift and is unconditional and that type of friendship never dies.  He will always have a place in my heart.

Thank you Sean - My heart pounds still when I think of you. You were charming, secure, confident, sexy and self driven. You always knew exactly what you wanted and you took it. You came too early in my life. We wanted different things from a relationship and I had to keep my distance because your energy was powerful and consuming. I yearned for you but left because I had felt we were both a distraction from our paths we were so firmly set on. You have become an inspiration and remind me every day of the power and energy in every one of us.

Thank you Tony – We dated for a Summer before college. You went on to become a Baptist Pastor. I had been raised Mormon, I could not convert without testing the waters. You taught me that I needed to find God on my own. Sort through the religions and find my personal truth. I have and I am sure it would have taken a lot longer had he not made me look at my choices so closely.

Thank you Patrick – My lost love. We dated for a few years before he was killed in a skiing accident. He was everything to me. He was my heart and my soul. I did not breath well without him for years. He taught me complete and unconditional love. He taught me how it feels to be loved and to love in return.  He also taught me that love never dies and that memories are a way of storing the love felt at any point in time.

Thank you Ed – I loved every day I was with you in California. You were my friend and partner. You taught me to fish and to play and most importantly to breath again. You brought me back to life when I thought I too had died. You are a blessing in my life and I will hold our time together dear to my heart for the rest of my life. Thank you !

Thank you T - You were my man of honor at my wedding.  My friend and I love you.  You are strong and yet kind, a force and a really good father.  You love with all your heart and you genuinely cared for me.  You taught me that in order to allow a friend to grow sometimes you have to allow them to make choices that are not your own.  I miss you!

Thank you Rodney – My husband. He loves me. I smile when I think of him. He trys hard to please me. He came from 2000 miles away to be with me. He gave up everything in his life to stay with me. He is who he is and I can not change him. He is teaching me to love in a whole new way. I am learning more about myself because I am with him. I am a stronger better person because of our marriage and he allows me to be free to express myself and be who I need to be in order to be happy. He loves me unconditionally.  Thank you!

Thank you my Son (My baby Angel) – You gave my life reason. You fill up my heart’s empty spaces and heal all the broken wounds. I live my life now knowing you were meant to be firmly in my path.  You are my focus in my life and my greatest joy. I would never have been complete had I not had you for my son. I will love you for all of eternity. 

I want to Salsa in the Supermarket

"To sweat is to pray, to make an offering of your innermost self. Sweat is holy water, prayer beads, pearls of liquid that release your past, anointing all your parts in a baptism by fire. Sweat burns karma, purifying body and soul…The more you sweat, the more you pray. The more you pray, the closer you come to ecstasy”
(Gabrielle Roth in Sweat Your Prayers).

 One of my first jobs was as an Aerobic and weight trainer/Instructor for a Women's Health Club called "Gloria Stevens". It was nothing for me to teach as many as 4, 1 hour long, classes of Aerobics and Calisthenics in a day then do 2-3 circuits on the weights along with our clients. I loved that job. Not because I could ever make a living but because it helped me to know who I am inside. I could have 
possibly been happy doing that for my life. I loved going to work in the mornings and never minded taking on the extra hours. My strong work ethic and love of feeling fit gave me great joy and a spiritual connection with who I am. I have always had an ability to "zone out" when I work out. It must be like a runners high. When I used to get my heart up to Aerobic levels and feel as though I could stay there forever. It gave me peace and made me happy from the inside out. I used to say I could not meditate, hold still long enough to silence my thoughts. I now know that, my most calming peaceful and happy moments in my young life were when my heart was pounding and sweat was pouring. Thinking about it now I have to say, what happened? Why would I ever give that up?

Since becoming an "Adult", getting married and adopting our son, I have turned away from a lot of things that used to bring me joy. Yes, I miss my size 7's my 24 inch waist line and my ability to run without loosing my breath. And, it is not as if I am never happy or that I do not have moments of joy as my son fills me with as much joy as my heart can take on. But, I seem to have given up my physical connection with my higher self, Dancing, Kung Fu, Bike Riding, long Mountainous hikes, playing with my nieces and nephews, running and just being silly all took the edge off of growing up. I miss all of this. I miss the days of cheerleading and drill team of Belly Dancing classes and Strip Tease aerobics. I miss the exploration of new places and feeling my body learn new things. Since I lost those small joys I have also drifted away from the very core of who I am. My life is good but I take it for granted. I can have it all and as of today. I am taking back my life.

Well as of today, I renounce my adult status. I am boycotting the news for the next 3 months. I will not watch violence on T.V. or absorb the news papers. You can have that membership card back. I will be spending my time remembering my muscles, my values, my truths, my family, my joy, my peace, my love, my abundances and my spirit. I will play with my child. I will eat what nourishes my soul and sweat until I can remember the joyous and soft soul that is me. I am officially going to let Lolo out to play for a while. I want to sweat. I want to take Pole dancing classes and Ballroom classes. I want to salsa in the supermarket, Pirouette in the parking lot, Hula in the church halls. I will from now on laugh out loud when laughter moves me and cry when my heart is full. I will look at the mornings with a new interest in the sunrise and go to bed with a new interest in my love. Instead of feeding my feelings from this point forward,  I will dance with them. And bring back into my life all that I love!

 “We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing !” ~ Benjamin Franklin

Thankful for God's gift to me. My Dad!

It is a few days until Thanksgiving. I have been counting my blessings and giving thanks for those in my life that have changed me by having crossed my path, those walking with me now and those that have traveled my path with me in my past. Everyone that has touched my life and those that are still to enter that I have not yet met. Thank you. I believe with all my heart that everyone who you ever meet has a "gift" to give. We do not always knowingly accept the gift but it becomes a part of who you are. Sometimes we not only accept the "gift" but it profoundly changes us from that point forward. This entry today is about a man in my life that I am specifically grateful for and one I will love for the rest of my life. This is my Dad.


At the age of 7, in Port Hedland, Australia, my Father and Mother were fighting with one another after my Father had been unfaithful with my Mother's best friend. My Mother, had walked in on them and knowing De and I understood what was happening, had decided that this was an example that she could not set for her girls, It would not have been ok if she were to have condoned it. Her actions at this time sent a message to me that has rippled through my life. (The message was one that says "I have worth, I do not have to be disrespected, I always have options.) I believe she then had decided we would be heading back to the United States where we would live with my Grandparents. Unfortunately, before we could leave Australia, my Father did a most unkind thing.

One stormy rainy night after the 4 of us were sound asleep at our babysitters home, my Father came in to the house in the middle of the night and took us, his 4 kids, without informing our Mom of where he was taking us or if he would be bringing us back. He, coldly, came in and rushed us out to the car. I remember being confused and sad but assumed we would ok at least until we got to the airport.

This plane took off in the pouring rain, thunder and lightning. It bounced around and dropped from the air only to pick back up and get thrown from side to side. I don't know how long the flight took but it was terrifying. I do not believe I will ever be that scared again. My sister, De, (alias)who was only 8 at the time asked my sister Su (also an alias), brother Ty (again an alias) and myself to close our eyes and pretend that we were at Disneyland and that the noises and motion were a part of our favorite ride (The Pirates of the Caribbean). She then would tell stories and make every effort to make us laugh as we tried so very hard not to be afraid. It was in these moments I felt her strength. She was trying to comfort and protect us as she did most of her life.

I do not remember landing at the airport after that horrifying flight, but I do remember riding in the car after the plane. All 4 of us were crying and scared and tired. We wanted our Mother. It was then that my Father told us that he and our Mother were divorcing and that he had to get us away. For a brief moment the fear I had felt on the airplane was no more, My fear was not seeing my Mother was all consuming. My Father had traveled most of my childhood. I only really have a few memories of him and unfortunately, most of them are of him yelling, throwing things. He was always yelling and screaming at Mom or De. I have a few soft loving memories but they are drowned out but the sad ones. Our Mother was our constant security, our base , our home, our Mom. He was taking us away from the one person who had always been there.

My next memory is being in a strange house and being woke up by Mom and the man who later became my stepfather. He had been my Father's friend. My Father had confided in him and told him of his plan to take his kids from his wife. But, knowing what my Father had done with his children, he had decided to help my Mother get us back to her. He was a strong young round faced man. My first impression was that he reminded me of Santa. He was happy, joyful, friendly and loving. When he laughed it made you laugh, when he smiled he lit up a room. My first feeling of my stepfather, I will from this point on in this blog, call Dad, was that of thankfulness. He became the Father figure in my life. He grew to love us as his, and I am now and forever thankful for the love he has given to us and the light and lessons he has brought to my life.

 

Imagine the possibilities

It seems to me that as a child I was always on "imagine if" mode. Normal or not it was my way of life. When I was doing a chore, I would pretend that the chore had to be done before the King would come home or "off with my head" or that I would pretend that I would win a prize if I could get the job done in my own idea of the fastest time possible. When bored i would actually create an environment in my head and a story to go along with it. When possible, I would use whatever was available around me so that I could have something physical to touch to make my imaginary world interactive. A box or a button or a cupboard. An example would be one day my cousin Johnny and I were playing and I decided to make my Grandfather's closet into the bat cave. I was going to be Bat Girl and of course Johnny would be Batman. I found crayons and we begin to draw buttons on the inside of the closet that would make it appear to have special technology that could transform our small closet area into our safe haven from criminals. Too bad we did not think it through as Grama caught us and Johnny and I spent the next hour or more scrubbing the closet walls. Not the first or last time that Johnny and my imaginations got us into trouble.


If I had trouble sleeping as a child, I would close my eyes until a picture flashed into my mind. Once I had the piture, I would add as much detail as possible until it felt as though I was seeing it with my eyes open in an awakened state. I always knew when I was done because if I could not see the details as clearly as if I were actually looking at the pictures object, I had to embellish more. This stilll works for me as an adult. I never have trouble sleeping if I remember to close my eyes and look for the pictures. Most of the time the pictures are of children I had never met (I believe these are the babies I lost) or ball gowns and dancing. For those who know me, may see, where my childhood fantasy of being Anna in "The King and I" came from. The movie matched my pictures and my first crush I can remember was Yule Brenner (ahhh). I was really hooked on the idea of dressing up and dancing in a big beautiful gown and Yule Brener made Bald men the object of my dreams. I had as a young girl believed the pictures were memories of places I had been before I was Lolo. The thought of reincarnation possibilities or alternate lives did not occur to me until I Became a young adult.


As an adult, I have used this detailing mental picture ability to make the things I really want come true. I do not know how it works but it does. 11 years ago I wanted a new car. I had no money and made very little. I had recently bought a Townhome and was living check to check. But I really wanted a new car, so I pictured the car I wanted, went to the car lots and saw the one I was going to have. For the next year I envisioned every single detail. I even made myself be able to smell the new car smell. A year later, I was offered a refinancing option on my Townhouse that could include a new car and the payment would be the same as I was already paying. No miracle, some would say but, it felt like a miracle to me and it solidified my belief in my personal mission statement. "If I want it and can see it, and then if I believe it, I then can achieve it." I am still working on this skill but I have found that I truely in my heart have most everything I want. I now spend alot of time visioning vacations and play time with my son. There are things I would love to have for my family or my husband, but I am not as good at doing this when another person is involved. Maybe because you can not change another persons world unless they are participating in the change. This explains the troubles I have had in my marriage and my lack of monthly income which is shared with my family. I do however, believe that all things are possible when all persons involved are participating in this group prayer, visioning process. I believe the following: The Bible says "When two or more of you gather in my name(God), I will be there" (please forgive me if this is not exactly as your bible or church books tell you) and I believe that through God (or what ever name you call the Universal spirit that is in and around and part of all of us) all things are possible. I just happen to believe that prayer, visioning and meditation are the way to conect to these possibilities.

I want to learn to Fly or Glow

When I was 6, My family lived in Australia in the dessert near Port Hedland. We lived in a traiiler park and our family of 6 was living in a Camper that could have been seen on the back of a pick up truck.  At one point while we lived there I became very sick.  I had some kind of Intestinal bacterial infection and I was having a difficult time getting well.  I was always prone to any stomach ailment and this was a serious one.  I do not recall how long I was sick but it felt like it was no less than a few weeks.  I remember waking one night before I was well to a very calm quiet.  I sat up and saw everyone sleeping and I remember thinking.  "I can do anything I want right now"  Looking around I saw my parents and siblings were sound alseep.  I then thought to myself. "When I am not as tired, I am going to do something amazing maybe I will try to learn to fly like a dove or run very fast like a panther or even better, I would learn how to glow"  Yes, I remember specifically that I wanted to glow like the pictures of Jesus I had always seen.  I thought that glowing would protect me from bad people and sickness and that the light, from the glow, would bring happiness to our small living space and make my Mother smile.  I fell back to sleep thinking about the white light surrounding me and when I woke, well I knew Candy in the morning was not allowed but I was so hungry, I snuck a piece of Chocolate from my Easter Basket and began to eat it.  I found out much later in my life that the Chocolate was the first thing I was alble to keep down in days.  I was well very quickly after that night.  This happened a few months before my seventh birthday and that desire to be surrounded in white light has never left me. Cooincidence? I don't think so. I heard what I believed was my Mother praying for me the night before this happened. I believe now it was then that her intent and prayer and my desire to glow healed me.