Thank you for the lessons!

I would like to thank a few of the men that have passed through my life when I needed them.

Thank you Father – My earliest years were filled with dishes flying yelling and screaming, You took us from our Mother, you worked in different countries from where we lived, you cheated with other women and treated my older sister with what I felt and remember was annoyance and distain. I learned from you that being a Dad is more that genetics and that you have to be involved to be a good parent. I have also learned that forgiveness is healing and that integrity is critical and relevant to marriage and that you loved me regardless of any of the aforementioned behaviors.

Thank you Dad - You married my Mother whith 4 children. You love her and are friends.  You have taught me what loyalty, commitment and friendship add to a marriage.  You have given me a strong work ethic and a firm foundation to grow from.  I love you!

Thank you Dwayne – You chased me home with a stick from elementary school, yelling and ridiculing me. You broke my glasses and called me ugly and four eyes. It broke my heart but because of you I am a better Mother. I know that names can hurt and words inflict pain and that sometimes those words are more painful than the stick. I am a kinder gentler person because of you.

Thank you Gus – You rode in the back of the bus until I would sit down and then you would move to sit down behind me. You would slap me in the head and speak crudely to me. You would stick gum on my seat, pull my hair, make fun of my clothes and spit on me. I had nightmares at night for a year of going to and from school because of you. It wounded my young spirit but I learned from you to go within when I could not stand what was outside of myself. I learned that I never saw myself as you did that you were wrong. I learned the next year when you had to go to military school that Karma can take care of at least some of life’s injustices. I also learned that it is not ok to sit and watch this happen to others. Injustices must be called to attention and the strong or masses must take care of the wronged and the few.

Thank you Gordon – The only man to ever take me to a formal dance. After being stood up 3 times by other boys, Gordon, sick as a dog, took me to a girls reverse dance because he did not want to be the 4th. He was a dear friend with a kind and compassionate soul. Gordon taught me that friendship is a gift and is unconditional and that type of friendship never dies.  He will always have a place in my heart.

Thank you Sean - My heart pounds still when I think of you. You were charming, secure, confident, sexy and self driven. You always knew exactly what you wanted and you took it. You came too early in my life. We wanted different things from a relationship and I had to keep my distance because your energy was powerful and consuming. I yearned for you but left because I had felt we were both a distraction from our paths we were so firmly set on. You have become an inspiration and remind me every day of the power and energy in every one of us.

Thank you Tony – We dated for a Summer before college. You went on to become a Baptist Pastor. I had been raised Mormon, I could not convert without testing the waters. You taught me that I needed to find God on my own. Sort through the religions and find my personal truth. I have and I am sure it would have taken a lot longer had he not made me look at my choices so closely.

Thank you Patrick – My lost love. We dated for a few years before he was killed in a skiing accident. He was everything to me. He was my heart and my soul. I did not breath well without him for years. He taught me complete and unconditional love. He taught me how it feels to be loved and to love in return.  He also taught me that love never dies and that memories are a way of storing the love felt at any point in time.

Thank you Ed – I loved every day I was with you in California. You were my friend and partner. You taught me to fish and to play and most importantly to breath again. You brought me back to life when I thought I too had died. You are a blessing in my life and I will hold our time together dear to my heart for the rest of my life. Thank you !

Thank you T - You were my man of honor at my wedding.  My friend and I love you.  You are strong and yet kind, a force and a really good father.  You love with all your heart and you genuinely cared for me.  You taught me that in order to allow a friend to grow sometimes you have to allow them to make choices that are not your own.  I miss you!

Thank you Rodney – My husband. He loves me. I smile when I think of him. He trys hard to please me. He came from 2000 miles away to be with me. He gave up everything in his life to stay with me. He is who he is and I can not change him. He is teaching me to love in a whole new way. I am learning more about myself because I am with him. I am a stronger better person because of our marriage and he allows me to be free to express myself and be who I need to be in order to be happy. He loves me unconditionally.  Thank you!

Thank you my Son (My baby Angel) – You gave my life reason. You fill up my heart’s empty spaces and heal all the broken wounds. I live my life now knowing you were meant to be firmly in my path.  You are my focus in my life and my greatest joy. I would never have been complete had I not had you for my son. I will love you for all of eternity. 

I want to Salsa in the Supermarket

"To sweat is to pray, to make an offering of your innermost self. Sweat is holy water, prayer beads, pearls of liquid that release your past, anointing all your parts in a baptism by fire. Sweat burns karma, purifying body and soul…The more you sweat, the more you pray. The more you pray, the closer you come to ecstasy”
(Gabrielle Roth in Sweat Your Prayers).

 One of my first jobs was as an Aerobic and weight trainer/Instructor for a Women's Health Club called "Gloria Stevens". It was nothing for me to teach as many as 4, 1 hour long, classes of Aerobics and Calisthenics in a day then do 2-3 circuits on the weights along with our clients. I loved that job. Not because I could ever make a living but because it helped me to know who I am inside. I could have 
possibly been happy doing that for my life. I loved going to work in the mornings and never minded taking on the extra hours. My strong work ethic and love of feeling fit gave me great joy and a spiritual connection with who I am. I have always had an ability to "zone out" when I work out. It must be like a runners high. When I used to get my heart up to Aerobic levels and feel as though I could stay there forever. It gave me peace and made me happy from the inside out. I used to say I could not meditate, hold still long enough to silence my thoughts. I now know that, my most calming peaceful and happy moments in my young life were when my heart was pounding and sweat was pouring. Thinking about it now I have to say, what happened? Why would I ever give that up?

Since becoming an "Adult", getting married and adopting our son, I have turned away from a lot of things that used to bring me joy. Yes, I miss my size 7's my 24 inch waist line and my ability to run without loosing my breath. And, it is not as if I am never happy or that I do not have moments of joy as my son fills me with as much joy as my heart can take on. But, I seem to have given up my physical connection with my higher self, Dancing, Kung Fu, Bike Riding, long Mountainous hikes, playing with my nieces and nephews, running and just being silly all took the edge off of growing up. I miss all of this. I miss the days of cheerleading and drill team of Belly Dancing classes and Strip Tease aerobics. I miss the exploration of new places and feeling my body learn new things. Since I lost those small joys I have also drifted away from the very core of who I am. My life is good but I take it for granted. I can have it all and as of today. I am taking back my life.

Well as of today, I renounce my adult status. I am boycotting the news for the next 3 months. I will not watch violence on T.V. or absorb the news papers. You can have that membership card back. I will be spending my time remembering my muscles, my values, my truths, my family, my joy, my peace, my love, my abundances and my spirit. I will play with my child. I will eat what nourishes my soul and sweat until I can remember the joyous and soft soul that is me. I am officially going to let Lolo out to play for a while. I want to sweat. I want to take Pole dancing classes and Ballroom classes. I want to salsa in the supermarket, Pirouette in the parking lot, Hula in the church halls. I will from now on laugh out loud when laughter moves me and cry when my heart is full. I will look at the mornings with a new interest in the sunrise and go to bed with a new interest in my love. Instead of feeding my feelings from this point forward,  I will dance with them. And bring back into my life all that I love!

 “We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing !” ~ Benjamin Franklin