Thankful for God's gift to me. My Dad!

It is a few days until Thanksgiving. I have been counting my blessings and giving thanks for those in my life that have changed me by having crossed my path, those walking with me now and those that have traveled my path with me in my past. Everyone that has touched my life and those that are still to enter that I have not yet met. Thank you. I believe with all my heart that everyone who you ever meet has a "gift" to give. We do not always knowingly accept the gift but it becomes a part of who you are. Sometimes we not only accept the "gift" but it profoundly changes us from that point forward. This entry today is about a man in my life that I am specifically grateful for and one I will love for the rest of my life. This is my Dad.


At the age of 7, in Port Hedland, Australia, my Father and Mother were fighting with one another after my Father had been unfaithful with my Mother's best friend. My Mother, had walked in on them and knowing De and I understood what was happening, had decided that this was an example that she could not set for her girls, It would not have been ok if she were to have condoned it. Her actions at this time sent a message to me that has rippled through my life. (The message was one that says "I have worth, I do not have to be disrespected, I always have options.) I believe she then had decided we would be heading back to the United States where we would live with my Grandparents. Unfortunately, before we could leave Australia, my Father did a most unkind thing.

One stormy rainy night after the 4 of us were sound asleep at our babysitters home, my Father came in to the house in the middle of the night and took us, his 4 kids, without informing our Mom of where he was taking us or if he would be bringing us back. He, coldly, came in and rushed us out to the car. I remember being confused and sad but assumed we would ok at least until we got to the airport.

This plane took off in the pouring rain, thunder and lightning. It bounced around and dropped from the air only to pick back up and get thrown from side to side. I don't know how long the flight took but it was terrifying. I do not believe I will ever be that scared again. My sister, De, (alias)who was only 8 at the time asked my sister Su (also an alias), brother Ty (again an alias) and myself to close our eyes and pretend that we were at Disneyland and that the noises and motion were a part of our favorite ride (The Pirates of the Caribbean). She then would tell stories and make every effort to make us laugh as we tried so very hard not to be afraid. It was in these moments I felt her strength. She was trying to comfort and protect us as she did most of her life.

I do not remember landing at the airport after that horrifying flight, but I do remember riding in the car after the plane. All 4 of us were crying and scared and tired. We wanted our Mother. It was then that my Father told us that he and our Mother were divorcing and that he had to get us away. For a brief moment the fear I had felt on the airplane was no more, My fear was not seeing my Mother was all consuming. My Father had traveled most of my childhood. I only really have a few memories of him and unfortunately, most of them are of him yelling, throwing things. He was always yelling and screaming at Mom or De. I have a few soft loving memories but they are drowned out but the sad ones. Our Mother was our constant security, our base , our home, our Mom. He was taking us away from the one person who had always been there.

My next memory is being in a strange house and being woke up by Mom and the man who later became my stepfather. He had been my Father's friend. My Father had confided in him and told him of his plan to take his kids from his wife. But, knowing what my Father had done with his children, he had decided to help my Mother get us back to her. He was a strong young round faced man. My first impression was that he reminded me of Santa. He was happy, joyful, friendly and loving. When he laughed it made you laugh, when he smiled he lit up a room. My first feeling of my stepfather, I will from this point on in this blog, call Dad, was that of thankfulness. He became the Father figure in my life. He grew to love us as his, and I am now and forever thankful for the love he has given to us and the light and lessons he has brought to my life.

 

Imagine the possibilities

It seems to me that as a child I was always on "imagine if" mode. Normal or not it was my way of life. When I was doing a chore, I would pretend that the chore had to be done before the King would come home or "off with my head" or that I would pretend that I would win a prize if I could get the job done in my own idea of the fastest time possible. When bored i would actually create an environment in my head and a story to go along with it. When possible, I would use whatever was available around me so that I could have something physical to touch to make my imaginary world interactive. A box or a button or a cupboard. An example would be one day my cousin Johnny and I were playing and I decided to make my Grandfather's closet into the bat cave. I was going to be Bat Girl and of course Johnny would be Batman. I found crayons and we begin to draw buttons on the inside of the closet that would make it appear to have special technology that could transform our small closet area into our safe haven from criminals. Too bad we did not think it through as Grama caught us and Johnny and I spent the next hour or more scrubbing the closet walls. Not the first or last time that Johnny and my imaginations got us into trouble.


If I had trouble sleeping as a child, I would close my eyes until a picture flashed into my mind. Once I had the piture, I would add as much detail as possible until it felt as though I was seeing it with my eyes open in an awakened state. I always knew when I was done because if I could not see the details as clearly as if I were actually looking at the pictures object, I had to embellish more. This stilll works for me as an adult. I never have trouble sleeping if I remember to close my eyes and look for the pictures. Most of the time the pictures are of children I had never met (I believe these are the babies I lost) or ball gowns and dancing. For those who know me, may see, where my childhood fantasy of being Anna in "The King and I" came from. The movie matched my pictures and my first crush I can remember was Yule Brenner (ahhh). I was really hooked on the idea of dressing up and dancing in a big beautiful gown and Yule Brener made Bald men the object of my dreams. I had as a young girl believed the pictures were memories of places I had been before I was Lolo. The thought of reincarnation possibilities or alternate lives did not occur to me until I Became a young adult.


As an adult, I have used this detailing mental picture ability to make the things I really want come true. I do not know how it works but it does. 11 years ago I wanted a new car. I had no money and made very little. I had recently bought a Townhome and was living check to check. But I really wanted a new car, so I pictured the car I wanted, went to the car lots and saw the one I was going to have. For the next year I envisioned every single detail. I even made myself be able to smell the new car smell. A year later, I was offered a refinancing option on my Townhouse that could include a new car and the payment would be the same as I was already paying. No miracle, some would say but, it felt like a miracle to me and it solidified my belief in my personal mission statement. "If I want it and can see it, and then if I believe it, I then can achieve it." I am still working on this skill but I have found that I truely in my heart have most everything I want. I now spend alot of time visioning vacations and play time with my son. There are things I would love to have for my family or my husband, but I am not as good at doing this when another person is involved. Maybe because you can not change another persons world unless they are participating in the change. This explains the troubles I have had in my marriage and my lack of monthly income which is shared with my family. I do however, believe that all things are possible when all persons involved are participating in this group prayer, visioning process. I believe the following: The Bible says "When two or more of you gather in my name(God), I will be there" (please forgive me if this is not exactly as your bible or church books tell you) and I believe that through God (or what ever name you call the Universal spirit that is in and around and part of all of us) all things are possible. I just happen to believe that prayer, visioning and meditation are the way to conect to these possibilities.

I want to learn to Fly or Glow

When I was 6, My family lived in Australia in the dessert near Port Hedland. We lived in a traiiler park and our family of 6 was living in a Camper that could have been seen on the back of a pick up truck.  At one point while we lived there I became very sick.  I had some kind of Intestinal bacterial infection and I was having a difficult time getting well.  I was always prone to any stomach ailment and this was a serious one.  I do not recall how long I was sick but it felt like it was no less than a few weeks.  I remember waking one night before I was well to a very calm quiet.  I sat up and saw everyone sleeping and I remember thinking.  "I can do anything I want right now"  Looking around I saw my parents and siblings were sound alseep.  I then thought to myself. "When I am not as tired, I am going to do something amazing maybe I will try to learn to fly like a dove or run very fast like a panther or even better, I would learn how to glow"  Yes, I remember specifically that I wanted to glow like the pictures of Jesus I had always seen.  I thought that glowing would protect me from bad people and sickness and that the light, from the glow, would bring happiness to our small living space and make my Mother smile.  I fell back to sleep thinking about the white light surrounding me and when I woke, well I knew Candy in the morning was not allowed but I was so hungry, I snuck a piece of Chocolate from my Easter Basket and began to eat it.  I found out much later in my life that the Chocolate was the first thing I was alble to keep down in days.  I was well very quickly after that night.  This happened a few months before my seventh birthday and that desire to be surrounded in white light has never left me. Cooincidence? I don't think so. I heard what I believed was my Mother praying for me the night before this happened. I believe now it was then that her intent and prayer and my desire to glow healed me.  

Who is this Lolo

Lolo is the nickname I received as a child from my dad.  My stepfather actually.  He was very young when he married my Mother and was kind enough to call her children his own.  The nickname was special as not all of my 2 Brothers and 3 sisters were given one and it felt special to me because he endeared himself to me by giving me this nickname which stuck throughout my life. 
 
As an adult the name caught on with all of my nieces ad nefews including Smash. Now my friends children and granchildren also call me Lolo.  The reason I use this name here is because,  I am taking a very special breath in my life.  The one that throws out old baggage and brings in the blessings.  This breath will bring in the light of the spirit and I will exhale from my life all that is painful, ugly or no longer necessary for my personal or spiritiual growth.  Lolo is the small little girl inide me that needs me to play, she needs to be loved and taken care of and cherished by none other than me.  This blog is my way of journalizing the lessons she has learned as well as the insights I learn from remembering through her.  I know this small girl still lives inside my heart and is a large part of who I am now.  I am hoping that with her courage and support I can again dance through the second half of my life with the passion, intent and integrity I remember of her .